Olivia Jade Takes on Fayetteville Crew Team
By Sally Kim
During my college search, I came across Fayetteville State University in North Carolina, a school recently ranked as 1750 out of 1755 colleges in the nation, and was immediately entranced by its Northside-like architecture and endless grassland surrounding the campus. I thought it would be the perfect place to study water physiology while listening to “Blue Tacoma” by Russell Dickerson, which has been my dream forever. I immediately contacted the university, and after a $500 down payment, along with my well-earned SAT score of 1600 that Rick Singer fixed for me, I received an acceptance letter two days later that begged me to commit to the school. To further my research in water physiology, I asked Fayetteville’s women’s crew coach, Mr. Tyreece Brown, if I could join his team to experience the North Carolinian waters firsthand, and he wholeheartedly agreed after I sent him a picture of me on my friend’s rowing machine. This simple act of joining Fayetteville’s crew team led me to a series of unexpected events.
In the light of recent events, 19 year-old Olivia Jade (Olivia Jade Giannulli) was forced to leave the University of Spoiled Children -- sorry, the University of Southern California (USC) -- after her mother, Lori Loughlin, was caught up in the nation’s biggest college admissions cheating scam in history. After three days of tirelessly searching for a school that would accept her with her original SAT score and GPA, she was fortunately recruited by Fayetteville. After carefully scrutinizing the single picture of Jade on the rowing machine, Coach Brown decided she would be the perfect fill-in for the coxswain position, especially considering their recent coxswain was put on probation after leading her boat dangerously across the Nile River into an alligator-infested pool.
Imagine my surprise when I visited the university to check up on my dorm and the one and only Olivia Jade was standing inside. What was Olivia Jade doing in my dorm? She told me the minute that USC went on spring break, she arranged with her family and agency to never go back to “the pestilential school” that was just “jealous” of all the “hard work” she put into balancing school work with YouTube and other sponsorship deals. I asked her if she was okay with all the sponsorships she has lost -- namely from Sephora, Lulus, TreSemme, and more -- but she said, “It’s only a matter of time before everyone forgets about this incident. I mean, people have to understand that I partook in zero percent of my parents’ scheme. This shouldn’t be on me, this is all my parents' fault.” Her attitude reminded me of a pouting four-year-old, which I thought was kind of endearing. Yeah, Olivia! Screw Stanford, Yale, USC, and other top-notch schools for getting caught in the scam! Shame on those supposed “elite” colleges. Luckily for Olivia, at Fayetteville, even if someone laundered $1 million at that school, I am sure no one would ever know.
As a result, when fall 2019 rolls around, I will be rooming with Olivia Jade and life could not get any better Imagine living a whole year with your YouTube idol. I cannot wait to experience the true life of college by participating in “game days” and “parties” because that’s what college is all about, right? I hope Olivia won’t lose any more A-list sponsorships because maybe if I keep being nice to her, she might take me on her Fiji trips and I’ll get to miss more school than I will actually attend.
As most of the colleges release their decisions, I hope all the seniors will find their perfect college, just like me. #Fayetteville2023, here we come!