“Myers 2020: Making America Repetitive Again!”
By Alex Orlowski
Word has quickly made its way throughout the halls of Northside College Prep: Mr. Michael Myers, Social Science department, has announced his candidacy for President of the United States. Almost 600 days before the next election will take place, it is safe to say that Myers is ahead of schedule. His decision to begin campaigning has been met with critical reception from students and faculty alike. AP Government student, Sasha Aristizabal, Adv. 907, had this to say about his campaign: “Mr. Myers is great and all, but isn’t he a little under qualified to be running for office? By the way please bump my B to an A.”
Now I hear you asking, why vote Myers? When posed with a similar question, Myers summed it up nicely and said that, “with the current field of candidates, you could definitely do worse.” Although this statement may not exactly exude confidence, Myers’ decisive views on how to make our country a better place surely make up for it. The first priority for Myers is facilitating the implementation of an impactful legislature, creating ripples across the geopolitical landscape, and ultimately launching the country into a period of peaceful prosperity. The first item on his agenda would be the implementation of the 28th Amendment, calling for “no more North and South Dakota. Just ‘Unikota’.” While on the subject of nomenclature alteration, Myers has some big plans for the future of the U.S. “Let's change the name [of the United States] to something more related, and less awkward for the possessive case: Roxanne.”
Myers is not one to shy away from the controversial and readily explores the taboos of our society. A controversial issue that divides the American people is that of health care. Myers suggested the implementation of a program that would revolutionize the industry: Mediscare. Myers elaborated on the idea: “Should an individual be careless enough to run into a health problem, they are to meet with a panel of heartless bureaucrats who will make a life-and-death decision regarding their health.” Medical treatment will be holistic, healing the body through the power of superfoods such as kale, wheatgrass, and quinoa.
One of the most commonly discussed political issues -- legalizing marijuana -- is something that Myers defiantly opposes. “Weeds, everyone’s been talking about it for so long. I mean it’s a problem when they interfere with plants for sure although chickweed, the white clover, and dandelions are essential for any garden, accumulating nutrients and attracting beneficial insects.”
All this talk about plants naturally leads to discussion concerning environmental issues. And no one is a bigger proponent for the environment than Myers, as he sees through the oppressive walls of falsehood that blind the American people. “It is ridiculous that people believe climate change is a hoax when it should be appropriately characterized as what it actually is: a prank on the American people.” This avant-garde perspective challenges our very notions of reality, consequently revealing a sinister truth. “Someone has been throwing hundreds of tons of particulate matter into the atmosphere in order to purposely cause climate change,” Myers said, after having conducted “his own research” on the topic.
Myers ultimately wants best for the country, and it is difficult to address all the pressing concerns of the American people in such a brief article. To mitigate this issue, a rapid-fire question round took place, Myers carefully answering any and all burning questions.
Should we make any changes to the judicial branch?
“Increase the number of Supreme Court Justices to 27.”
What are your thoughts on the death penalty?
“Death is a really big penalty, probably one of the biggest you can imagine.”
Vaccinations? Yay or nay?
“I'm not immune to undergoing discussions about the validity of vaccinations.”
In conclusion, Mr. Myers is a standup guy, and he needs your support. Please vote for him.