Into The Life Of An Almost Billionaire
By Esther Huescas
On Oct. 2018, Ms. Dianne Malueg’s, English department, life would never be the same after an impromptu trip to South Carolina where she purchased a ticket with the winning mega millions numbers. “I used an algorithm that I created to choose the numbers 5, 28, 62, 65, 70 and the mega number 5,” she said. “Math really is one of my passions.” After being asked how it felt to be a millionaire, she said, “I’ve been a millionaire for as long as I can remember. My parents were millionaires, my grandparents were millionaires (well, there was that one grandmother...), my great-grandparents were millionaires. Hell, even my dogs have been millionaires. But then the Kims (Il-Sung and Song-Ae) gave me up for adoption and I had to go live with those Mennonites. I am simply returning to my roots.”
After temporarily deciding to remain anonymous, Malueg decided the most appropriate public debut would be to have her Honors Journalism class cover her win for The Hoofbeat. Malueg’s one-time payment of $878,000,000 was secured by her lawyer in South Carolina. Her first purchase will be the infamous Ford F-150. Malueg also dreams of taking more 3-day weekend vacations to travel to Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas, Kansas, and Nebraska. She is looking forward to buying a second and third home in Oklahoma.
Malueg wanted to rename Northside College Prep to “The Dianne Malueg School of Hard Knocks” or “This School Probably Won’t Get You Into Harvard” through a $100M endowment, but Ms. Kelly Mest declined. Malueg has decided to take this rejection with grace and is pursuing a more grateful recipient, Walter Payton College Prep.
The millionaire lifestyle has had little effect on Malueg. She has, however, stopped eating peanut butter for lunch and instead now opts for a McDonald’s cheeseburger. Malueg did say she has noticed a change in how some of her friends, family, and acquaintances act around her. Malueg’s children have started making their own beds, hanging up their clothes, and doing the dishes. They have also started to call her every day to tell her how much they love her. Her newfound millionaire status has also helped her marriage. She said, “I’m pretty sure that my husband has fired his divorce attorney. And the Kims have invited me to the next family reunion in Pyongyang this summer. I’m looking forward to meeting my nephew Jong Un and cousins. It’s a truism: Money changes everything.” Malueg has also noticed that Mr. Randy Snow, English department, has stopped talking to her.
Malueg wants to continue to spread her wealth -- through knowledge. Malueg advises any future lottery winners to get a lawyer and to stay anonymous. Malueg said, “Get a good financial advisor, keep everything in perspective--$1.5B isn’t really all that much money when you think about it -- I mean, after taxes and everything. And remember, Biggie said it best, ‘Where the true players at? Throw your Rollies in the sky wave’em side to side and keep your hands high.’”